Restless

Lately I am finding myself restless.

I am struggling to put a finger on why.  Some days have me in deep reflection, looking backwards at how far God has brought me, the mountains he moved to rebuild this broken family, the way that not even two years time, my "today" - is leaps and bounds beyond my absolute best case scenario that I would paint for myself on my most optimistic day.  It leaves me in a deep awe and sense of undeserving gratitude that words fail to describe.  The difference between that broken mess and this girl today is purely through the grace of God, an absolute picture of grace and mercy.  I adore my church, Central, it's home.  (Hence my church mouse moniker.) - I practically live here.  

It's surreal some days when I walk into that office to my desk, I can't help but remember the first time I walked into this office for a counseling appointment with a Pastor that up to then, I only knew through a few emails....... having to will myself to keep moving forward when everything in me wanted to run, trying to paste on a smile to hide the fear and pain that was just under the surface, avoiding looking at the friendly smiling faces behind those desks.  The shame, guilt and regret so heavy....... how weird that God would turn my world upside down and I would eventually find myself sitting behind one of those desks.... Calling those same faces some of my dearest friends!

God has rebuilt my marriage and though we inflicted a lot of emotional scars in our last 13 years, He is in the process of healing our home. Things aren't always peachy, there's plenty of backlash the more we make our relationship with Christ a priority, but there is a joy and a peace in my life that I've never experienced before. 

The "wee three" aren't so "wee" anymore and are a wonderful bunch to be around.  I love being their mama.

So all in all, I'd say things are "good". 

But lately, there is this word hanging around.....

Unsatisfied.  Now I will say I am blessed beyond all reasoning.  The only concern I have (and I say this jokingly) is trying to decide what to wear tomorrow or what sounds good for lunch..... that is blessed.  I know how blessed I am, and believe me, I am not looking at this lightly.  I'm watching two dear people battle cancer, one smackdab in the middle of yet another gruesome battle and the other at the starting line of a long and hard future..... to say clothes and food are my biggest issue - believe me, I am grateful and thankful for this.

But this word, restless, what is it?  

God has brought me a long way in a short time.  I know I am still in many ways a baby Christian.  But I want to go deeper.  I pray that God not let me forget how far He has brought me.  I'm scared that one day I will wake up numb and complacent, that I'll slip into some crevice of comfort and one day find that passion and fire has turned into automatic motions.  Maybe the restlessness is the answer to that prayer.  

So tonight, I'll sit in quiet awe and ponder this crazy broken road that lead me to here and I will thank God for the second chance.