That's not fair.

 Tonight as I was laying beside my sleepy 2yr old my thoughts turned to Lupe, a young mom and teacher at GCK who is in the late stages of terminal Cancer.  My heart aches for this mom and for the memories she'll never get to make with her tiny children.  At this same time, I'm silently praying that I can sneak out of his bed and back into the warmth and solitude of my toddler-free bed, I scold myself- how fragile and fleeting these days are. Decades later will I look back and say how I wish I had gotten more sleep!  No, I'll miss this tiny age that needs to cling near me in the darkness.  I'll miss being wanted, preferred, needed.

My eyes look across the hall into my "big kids" rooms as they are sleeping- my God, I can't remember the last lullaby I sang or when was the last goodnight kiss??  How did I not miss it?  Here I have this extra chance at littlehood and I'm already selfishly squandering it in for more sleep.  

I've been arguing with God a lot lately- where is the "fair" in Lupe dying so young?  I know this all too real in my sweet cousins' lives after Jessica's battle with Leukemia stole her from the loves of her life, Adam and little Emma... How unfairly they were robbed, Emma looks so much like her.  God you had only to grant healing, a single prayer and she'd still be here!  I think of our former classmate Erika and the loss of her only daughter, Taylor.  You didn't "need" another angel, I hate that saying---you don't "need" anything- so why??

And then it hits me, no it isn't fair.  You never promised fair.  You never promised easy, happily ever afters or to grow old surrounded by a slew of grand babies... No you never promised to 'never give us more than we can handle'... Quite the opposite- you said this life will be tough.  But you promised a life lived for you that this will be the only hell we will ever taste, or a life lived without- the best family memories will be the only heaven we will get to experience.  

I've never really pondered Heaven as if it were real, instead I left it at pearly gates, clouds with streets of gold... The comic strip images of harps, wings and robes...

What if Heaven was real?  Would that somehow be a trade off for this earthly life?  If given the chance to feel both, would we still choose here and now?  Would the reality of you before me, that I can touch, see and hear, would that reality hold purpose and satisfaction and wholeness? 

I don't know.  I guess if we are granted healthy children and a long life, we should be grateful to be so fortunate but we should also value and cherish what is right here, right now while we can.  

So in the meanwhile with the house sleeping, I'll put up this phone, end this post, rest and when Rory wakes up in a few hours, I'll bring him, like I always do, back to my bed- only maybe I'll cherish this night and be glad in it.

God grant me a little more time. Be patient with me, I'm learning as I go.

That fatal mom mistake.

Four kids.  Well actually, a new teenager, twin tweens and a toddler.  "Kids" to me falls more in the prek to 5th grade range.  Either way, I just made a fatal mom mistake, again. You would think after three kids, I'd be able to get things right with number four... With Ally, she was that first born prodigy.  She amazed at the milestones she reached so early... that girl was crawling by 3 months, really!  She walked at a week shy of 7 months.  Potty trained in a whopping day.  And I was clueless.  The twins came when she was 18 months old so chaos and sleep deprivation was my excuse, we were in survival mode.  She gave up her crib to the twins and that was it.  She happily embrace big kid status.  The twins, they followed along the same path, walking by 8 1/2 months.  We did the big kid beds shortly after we moved to this house, around 2 1/2-3yrs?  That was a blur, getting them to this milestone was for sanity.  And yet tonight I absent-mindedily did it again. I already changed Rory's room from the sweet puppy nursery to fun outer space (not my fave but I got a cool deal on it all.). Bedtimes have been a nightmare, he hates sleeping in his room.  I think it stems from this last year when he spent almost all year in our room, I can't blame him, going back to a room by yourself seems lonely.  So I found a really awesome Jeep bed that can be a toddler or a twin, did I mention it was COOL?  So for the last 2 weeks I've been thinking of how neat that bed is, how getting him out of the crib would make putting him to bed easier.... Easier on my back, and maybe, just maybe a new cool bed and fun room would make Rory a bit easier to get to bed, in HIS bed...

So I post his crib on a sell site.  And I get a bite.  So just like that I order the jeep and move the crib out of the room to be picked up on Sunday.  Just like that, I make the fatal mom mistake for the forth and my final time... With this milestone it's over, no more "baby".  Call me a sappy sentimental, but if there's one thing I've said this time around, I was finally able to APPRECIATE it.  And here I am, traded my baby in for a big kid.   Why do we rush things?  We beam when they roll over for the first time and anxiously await that first scoot towards crawling.  Cajoling them with toys and high pitch baby talk...  Then it's not enough, we got to try to get that first step... before you know it, they are running from you and the fast forward roller coaster of babyhood just keeps going...  So here I sit typing away while my tiny man child naps on a gigantic twin mattress.  

That's it, no more cribs.  We already graduated to a booster chair from a highchair.  These days are running away from me.   Gone is the tiny helpless infant... My lil snuggle bug makes an occasional visit and the stays are shorter as this great big, wild world beckons to be explored.  And now I'm all fresh out of "baby".  Replaced with a high energy, no fear toddler!  He's cute, I am excited to see this world new again through his big brown eyes, but can we please slow down?   

Popsugar FEBRUARY Must Have

 When Citrus Lane closed their doors, I decided it was time to get something for me.   After all, we have a pile of unopened items from citrus Lane and Bluum,  so I took the subscription refund and put it towards pop sugar. The February box is my third box in the subscription and so far I have been absolutely pleased with every box!    I will say it is an awesome treat to come home after a long day and see this pink and white pop sugar box on my table, ready to open! 

 The inspiration for February is adoring, hearts, sexy, indulgent and confident.

 The high dollar item in the box this month is a scarf by Tilo, they give this a retail value of $125, this was exclusively designed for pop sugar -it is a silky soft grayish tan with hearts,  personally I would never pay that much for a scarf and this is the first one I own I do like the color and subtle print, it makes me wish I had a Vespa!

 Next is from beauty counter, nourishing cleansing balm, this says unlike cleansers that leave you dry, this formula uses carefully sourced ingredients to remove make up and impurities while also moisturizing skin. I got to say it will make you feel pampered when you open it up and see the glass jar with a lovely soft muslin cloth Included!   Generous 1.5 ounce jar, suggested retail is $50 

 This next item is easily my absolute favorite in the box!   JewelryStorm Endless Arrow Ring ($28)

 This ring has just the right amount of bling to wear alone or stacked with other pieces. It is adjustable and has a lot of shine, my finger is just a little too chunky for this so I am hanging onto this as a Valentines gift for my teenager!

 From French studio, hello beautiful square tray, this is my second favorite item and one that I will definitely keep!  Kiln-Fired glass tray.  

FoodStirs Heart sugar cookie mix.   This is cofounded by Sarah Michelle Gellar, these are free of artificial ingredients, growth hormones and preservatives -so you can feel good about baking sweet treats with all the loves in your life!  Comes with sprinkles and a cookie cutter.

From Victoria's Secret-   Coconut Milk Hydrating lotion, large 12oz bottle!

Plus.... sport socks maybe fabric to keep your feet cool and dry even while working out, this is a special extra as is a $20 gift card!     https://musthave.popsugar.com