That's not fair.

 Tonight as I was laying beside my sleepy 2yr old my thoughts turned to Lupe, a young mom and teacher at GCK who is in the late stages of terminal Cancer.  My heart aches for this mom and for the memories she'll never get to make with her tiny children.  At this same time, I'm silently praying that I can sneak out of his bed and back into the warmth and solitude of my toddler-free bed, I scold myself- how fragile and fleeting these days are. Decades later will I look back and say how I wish I had gotten more sleep!  No, I'll miss this tiny age that needs to cling near me in the darkness.  I'll miss being wanted, preferred, needed.

My eyes look across the hall into my "big kids" rooms as they are sleeping- my God, I can't remember the last lullaby I sang or when was the last goodnight kiss??  How did I not miss it?  Here I have this extra chance at littlehood and I'm already selfishly squandering it in for more sleep.  

I've been arguing with God a lot lately- where is the "fair" in Lupe dying so young?  I know this all too real in my sweet cousins' lives after Jessica's battle with Leukemia stole her from the loves of her life, Adam and little Emma... How unfairly they were robbed, Emma looks so much like her.  God you had only to grant healing, a single prayer and she'd still be here!  I think of our former classmate Erika and the loss of her only daughter, Taylor.  You didn't "need" another angel, I hate that saying---you don't "need" anything- so why??

And then it hits me, no it isn't fair.  You never promised fair.  You never promised easy, happily ever afters or to grow old surrounded by a slew of grand babies... No you never promised to 'never give us more than we can handle'... Quite the opposite- you said this life will be tough.  But you promised a life lived for you that this will be the only hell we will ever taste, or a life lived without- the best family memories will be the only heaven we will get to experience.  

I've never really pondered Heaven as if it were real, instead I left it at pearly gates, clouds with streets of gold... The comic strip images of harps, wings and robes...

What if Heaven was real?  Would that somehow be a trade off for this earthly life?  If given the chance to feel both, would we still choose here and now?  Would the reality of you before me, that I can touch, see and hear, would that reality hold purpose and satisfaction and wholeness? 

I don't know.  I guess if we are granted healthy children and a long life, we should be grateful to be so fortunate but we should also value and cherish what is right here, right now while we can.  

So in the meanwhile with the house sleeping, I'll put up this phone, end this post, rest and when Rory wakes up in a few hours, I'll bring him, like I always do, back to my bed- only maybe I'll cherish this night and be glad in it.

God grant me a little more time. Be patient with me, I'm learning as I go.