So Blessed.

After a rather stressful week this last week, when I went into the office on Friday I found a card on my desk the envelope just simply had my name on it, the card was homemade card with flowers said "God wanted me to meet bless you", there was no signature but inside was money.

 Monday, I was at the grocery store picking out my little guys formula, and lady was stocking the shelves and stopped to talk to Rory, who, of course was all too happy to give her his to see little smile, she says he sure is a happy baby, I reply "yes God has really blessed us, he really is a happy baby!"  As I turned to walk away, she says here, I turn around thinking I dropped something and she is handing me a gift card, $25 gift card!!

Astonished and on the verge of tears, I thank her.  I was able to get the kids fruit, seems little but I haven't been able to afford it, when you only have $25-$50 to spend on groceries you try to stretch it as far as you can, fruit is pricey!

Then Sunday morning one of my friends tells me to find her that she has something that will make me smile. She walks up to me at the start of service pulls me aside and says, I am just a vessel, I was told to give this to you... She hands me a thick stack of $20s.  I am now a truly amazed and speechless, I don't even know what to say, I don't know who is blessing me and I know better than to ask.  Later I go to the restroom and take the wad of $20s out and count them...$300!  

God is my provider.  I shall not want.

The Unknown.

I've been hiding a secret most of this year... Well, not so much "hiding" as guarding.

One day as I'm laying Rory down and again changing out my disposable breast pads, and pumping out my excess, (tmi) - I find this lump.

I think I saw this in March, thinking it was because I was breast feeding (which was not going well) and trying to switch from pumping to formula....  Doing my civil duty, I register on Marketplace, figure my tax credit, even see some "great" plans, but why pay when my coverage is great and free... Really I'm too darn exhausted to mess with anything.

((-despite inquiring a few times since Rory was born, and being assured my SoonerCare would renew with me just reapplying... I was denied because "I'm no longer pregnant".  Now we are past Obama's Marketplace deadline.  No big. We will avoid this year's penalty because I did register, site did crash and I keep having log in errors.  I'm told later "oh this doesn't work on tablets and mobile devices"...."Oh you're using Chrome, it only works with IE"..... And now my acct is showing "locked".))

May:   hmmmm.  That's odd, peculiar, still there, but I'm sure it's nothing.  Need to lay off the caffeine... I try MarketPlace another time, still locked...

June:  I tell Skylar we need to get this looked at.  I had previously found a really great plan but I'm told by Skylar, he wants to look it over.  

Somewhere in here, I had yet another "discovery", another marriage crisis.  Nothing comes of this but it helps to keep me busy and distracted enough that time passes...

August:  still here.  Privately my fears are now constant.  I start my day aware of it, at night, I end my day aware of it.  I cannot help but think what if.  Wondering every day, every minute that passes, could this be spreading.  I look at my sweet smiling baby and pray that I'm wrong.....  

Before working at Central, this was something that I only saw in old people.... Skylar's grandparents, Geneva has a bout with the big C with a spot on her ear... "Ma", cantankerous and lovable, Ma, Skylar's maternal Gma, had breast cancer and it ultimately took her life a few years back.

Now it seems to be everywhere.  Just this year alone, we lost Jessica North to a rare leukemia ... Not even 30 with a toddler!!!  We lost Kelly, Shellie and I know of numerous others who are, or who have, met this beast.  Like twins, it seems like this is so commonplace anymore!  

I can't sign up without Skylar.  His boss will put the bill into a "raise" to his monthly salary.  --So I've cried, begged, laid my case that if this was on him you KNOW it would be handled...stayed up way too late, "researched" way too much and obsessed with it.  I can't do anything more.  I'm terrified to say anything to anyone.  

We aren't doctor-people.  We only give in and go to Urgent Care should we find ourselves actually sick "enough".  So I don't even have a primary care dr!  Outside of my OB that cared for me throughout my pregnancy, I don't know any doctors.  Where does one go??  I'm embarrassed to ask.  And yet, I'm exhausted, overbooked, over committed, and distracted, or I try to be.  But I know I need to face this.

So tonight, I sit down again.  Only now I can't do anything.  Nothing.  "Not eligible". Too much time has passed.  I spoke for 2-hrs to a MP rep who had to repeatly enter my info because of error. She couldn't find any record of me.  Now it's showing it's too late to apply.  I lose it.  God, how I lose it.

I'm angry, bitter that this wasn't taken care of sooner.  I resent the blissful life Skylar lives where he can zonk out to tv and sleep all night.  I'm holding Rory nearly hourly or tending to him all night... What happened to "weekends off".  That never happened.  Now I'm looking at baby toys all over the floor, a kitchen to clean, MIL landing tomorrow and still no time to fight this.

I'm so furious I can't stand to look at him.  I want to scream, run, pick a fight, but like usual, I'll fold.  Exhale defeated, it is now 10:30, get up and do it all myself.... Again.  I am alone in this.

Picture Perfect

This weekend is a long one, allergies already had me feeling worn, then a weekend watching helplessly as Rory screamed in pain until he finally passed out in exhaustion and not being able to fix it, an evening at the ER and leaving without any clear answers, my nerves are shot.  

This isn't like him!!  He's not that kind of baby, he is my happy guy...

Then when I got a text (a text!!) from my mom saying she was going to miss the baby dedication because she was going to hang around and help their friend who had "knee surgery" with some house and yard work, on Mother's Day - well that was my final straw.  It crushed me to know I would look around that packed sanctuary and know there wouldn't be one relative there to support us... Not even my own mother!!  Not even on "Mother's Day."

Exhausted from the stress filled sleepless night before, this was supposed to be my day!!  And here I am, no sweet picturesque image.  My hair is falling out, literally.  Dark circles under my eyes, the years showing in the deep set worry wrinkles on my forehead.

I tried hard to plan this moment, everyone's outfits, the best picture... Moments before, I started falling apart.  Ally had sneakers on with her beautiful dress.  --Really!?  I didn't mean to snap at her, certainly not embarrass her, I was just shocked of everyone, she was the one I didn't think I needed to double check...I made her cry.  Geez what a fantastic mom I am. Then as if on cue, Rory threw up all over me.  No extra outfit, no time for a trip home.  Fan.flipping.tastic.

Could we just go home?  I am so broken hearted that not one of my family members made any effort to be here to support us.  I'm covered in baby vomit reeking of old formula and my loving daughter is in tears because of me, because of shoes!!  My family...So quick to 'like' all my Facebook pictures, such promising words and yet not one -not a single one came out to support us.  And the countdown starts.

I'm grateful for Tonya who somehow made a bouquet appear - "from Rory".  And offered to take me to lunch ... On her day.

For Carrie who asked me how I was and when I broke and the tears came, thank you for not walking away to avoid the awkwardness, instead for lovingly scooping up my sweet baby who we all know could "pop" at any time - and risking it happily, giving me a break.  *

Permission to take a break.  Five minutes to breathe, cry, get my crap together and paste on my composure - all without any judgement.   Thank you.

For all our friends who let me lose it and didn't pounce on me or avoid me, thank you.

That moment on stage looking around, knowing how beautifully far God had taken us.  Though our family was alone, we stand strong, though we aren't related by blood -this church is our family.  And we are surrounded, loved.  

I know I that there are so many "grandmas, aunties, nanas, yayas, uncles" and dear, dear, friends that beamed in pride and are here for us even when our own family isn't.

We aren't alone.  This is why I'm thankful.  My day wasn't as fairy tale picture perfect as I had hoped, but it's a day like today that shows me how blessed we are.  

Here.

Lately it seems like life is flying blur of diapers, bottles and routine.  I don't get this opportunity often to be still and jot my thoughts down.

Tonight as I was straightening up Rory's room I laid him in his crib and in all my busyness, he fell asleep.  I snapped this pic...

Decided to follow that wise advice to never wake a sleeping baby, clicked on his monitor and decided that I'd just let him sleep here, just for tonight.  You see, every night since he came home (38 days ago), he has slept next to my side of the bed, arm's reach in his Rock'n Play vibrating sleeper.  So I went into the kitchen to finish up and head to bed but I just couldn't do it.  I went back and scooped my little sleeper up and snuggled him close, inhaling deeply that sweet, sweet baby smell and listened to his quiet breaths as he dreamed away... I whispered his nightly prayer over him and tucked him where he belongs, next to me.

Now this may seem silly to anyone else and the mama I used to be would've never looked back.  But this time, I'm a little more careful to try to savor these moments.  This little is the one we didn't "plan" for, the blessid surprise that is God's perfect cherry on top to our family... This little guy is also our last baby.  Tonight I was in Rory's room folding a few newborn outfits that my tiny Buddha has outgrown and there was this moment of sadness that I realized how quick this is flying by me.

That is what made me go back and scoop him up.  

Where we are, here, is worlds apart from where we were.  Little Rory wasn't in our plans, we were BARELY staying together.  The way God showed up and reached me where I was, I could never be the same ... But He wasn't done, Skylar followed shortly after.  Before I knew it, Central was home.  We - that short two letter word - "we" were still together.  That in itself was a miracle given the damage we had each inflicted on the other.  But God went farther.

We had Rory.

All at once, the pain was worth it all.

This picture above is one of my favorites, happy tears are pouring down my cheeks as I hold this little perfect, ten fingers, ten toes, 7 pound 11 ounce surprise.  

--- God is good, all the time.

This whole pregnancy the heaviness of this privilege was not lost on me.  I wondered why us? Why not <insert dear friends who can't have children> and here we are with the sudden abundance of more kids than my suv would hold!   God we don't deserve this. -  "I" don't deserve this.  

That to me is what is at the heart of God, religion, and this whole shebang... A God that loves you more than you deserve, who would go farther than you'd dare to dream.  

I don't know why we got to have another or why my friends, can't.  I don't understand.  

I don't know why friends' and loved-ones' marriages ended while, even after it all, we are getting ready to celebrate our 15th anniversary this June.

I don't understand, but I'm grateful.

So here, now, in the quiet darkness of my slumbering house, my heart is full, and yet so heavy for those dear to me.  

God show me how to use this life in a way that is worthy of all this. Never let me again take one day for granted.