I've been hiding a secret most of this year... Well, not so much "hiding" as guarding.
One day as I'm laying Rory down and again changing out my disposable breast pads, and pumping out my excess, (tmi) - I find this lump.
I think I saw this in March, thinking it was because I was breast feeding (which was not going well) and trying to switch from pumping to formula.... Doing my civil duty, I register on Marketplace, figure my tax credit, even see some "great" plans, but why pay when my coverage is great and free... Really I'm too darn exhausted to mess with anything.
((-despite inquiring a few times since Rory was born, and being assured my SoonerCare would renew with me just reapplying... I was denied because "I'm no longer pregnant". Now we are past Obama's Marketplace deadline. No big. We will avoid this year's penalty because I did register, site did crash and I keep having log in errors. I'm told later "oh this doesn't work on tablets and mobile devices"...."Oh you're using Chrome, it only works with IE"..... And now my acct is showing "locked".))
May: hmmmm. That's odd, peculiar, still there, but I'm sure it's nothing. Need to lay off the caffeine... I try MarketPlace another time, still locked...
June: I tell Skylar we need to get this looked at. I had previously found a really great plan but I'm told by Skylar, he wants to look it over.
Somewhere in here, I had yet another "discovery", another marriage crisis. Nothing comes of this but it helps to keep me busy and distracted enough that time passes...
August: still here. Privately my fears are now constant. I start my day aware of it, at night, I end my day aware of it. I cannot help but think what if. Wondering every day, every minute that passes, could this be spreading. I look at my sweet smiling baby and pray that I'm wrong.....
Before working at Central, this was something that I only saw in old people.... Skylar's grandparents, Geneva has a bout with the big C with a spot on her ear... "Ma", cantankerous and lovable, Ma, Skylar's maternal Gma, had breast cancer and it ultimately took her life a few years back.
Now it seems to be everywhere. Just this year alone, we lost Jessica North to a rare leukemia ... Not even 30 with a toddler!!! We lost Kelly, Shellie and I know of numerous others who are, or who have, met this beast. Like twins, it seems like this is so commonplace anymore!
I can't sign up without Skylar. His boss will put the bill into a "raise" to his monthly salary. --So I've cried, begged, laid my case that if this was on him you KNOW it would be handled...stayed up way too late, "researched" way too much and obsessed with it. I can't do anything more. I'm terrified to say anything to anyone.
We aren't doctor-people. We only give in and go to Urgent Care should we find ourselves actually sick "enough". So I don't even have a primary care dr! Outside of my OB that cared for me throughout my pregnancy, I don't know any doctors. Where does one go?? I'm embarrassed to ask. And yet, I'm exhausted, overbooked, over committed, and distracted, or I try to be. But I know I need to face this.
So tonight, I sit down again. Only now I can't do anything. Nothing. "Not eligible". Too much time has passed. I spoke for 2-hrs to a MP rep who had to repeatly enter my info because of error. She couldn't find any record of me. Now it's showing it's too late to apply. I lose it. God, how I lose it.
I'm angry, bitter that this wasn't taken care of sooner. I resent the blissful life Skylar lives where he can zonk out to tv and sleep all night. I'm holding Rory nearly hourly or tending to him all night... What happened to "weekends off". That never happened. Now I'm looking at baby toys all over the floor, a kitchen to clean, MIL landing tomorrow and still no time to fight this.
I'm so furious I can't stand to look at him. I want to scream, run, pick a fight, but like usual, I'll fold. Exhale defeated, it is now 10:30, get up and do it all myself.... Again. I am alone in this.
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