Here.

Lately it seems like life is flying blur of diapers, bottles and routine.  I don't get this opportunity often to be still and jot my thoughts down.

Tonight as I was straightening up Rory's room I laid him in his crib and in all my busyness, he fell asleep.  I snapped this pic...

Decided to follow that wise advice to never wake a sleeping baby, clicked on his monitor and decided that I'd just let him sleep here, just for tonight.  You see, every night since he came home (38 days ago), he has slept next to my side of the bed, arm's reach in his Rock'n Play vibrating sleeper.  So I went into the kitchen to finish up and head to bed but I just couldn't do it.  I went back and scooped my little sleeper up and snuggled him close, inhaling deeply that sweet, sweet baby smell and listened to his quiet breaths as he dreamed away... I whispered his nightly prayer over him and tucked him where he belongs, next to me.

Now this may seem silly to anyone else and the mama I used to be would've never looked back.  But this time, I'm a little more careful to try to savor these moments.  This little is the one we didn't "plan" for, the blessid surprise that is God's perfect cherry on top to our family... This little guy is also our last baby.  Tonight I was in Rory's room folding a few newborn outfits that my tiny Buddha has outgrown and there was this moment of sadness that I realized how quick this is flying by me.

That is what made me go back and scoop him up.  

Where we are, here, is worlds apart from where we were.  Little Rory wasn't in our plans, we were BARELY staying together.  The way God showed up and reached me where I was, I could never be the same ... But He wasn't done, Skylar followed shortly after.  Before I knew it, Central was home.  We - that short two letter word - "we" were still together.  That in itself was a miracle given the damage we had each inflicted on the other.  But God went farther.

We had Rory.

All at once, the pain was worth it all.

This picture above is one of my favorites, happy tears are pouring down my cheeks as I hold this little perfect, ten fingers, ten toes, 7 pound 11 ounce surprise.  

--- God is good, all the time.

This whole pregnancy the heaviness of this privilege was not lost on me.  I wondered why us? Why not <insert dear friends who can't have children> and here we are with the sudden abundance of more kids than my suv would hold!   God we don't deserve this. -  "I" don't deserve this.  

That to me is what is at the heart of God, religion, and this whole shebang... A God that loves you more than you deserve, who would go farther than you'd dare to dream.  

I don't know why we got to have another or why my friends, can't.  I don't understand.  

I don't know why friends' and loved-ones' marriages ended while, even after it all, we are getting ready to celebrate our 15th anniversary this June.

I don't understand, but I'm grateful.

So here, now, in the quiet darkness of my slumbering house, my heart is full, and yet so heavy for those dear to me.  

God show me how to use this life in a way that is worthy of all this. Never let me again take one day for granted.  

Restless

Lately I am finding myself restless.

I am struggling to put a finger on why.  Some days have me in deep reflection, looking backwards at how far God has brought me, the mountains he moved to rebuild this broken family, the way that not even two years time, my "today" - is leaps and bounds beyond my absolute best case scenario that I would paint for myself on my most optimistic day.  It leaves me in a deep awe and sense of undeserving gratitude that words fail to describe.  The difference between that broken mess and this girl today is purely through the grace of God, an absolute picture of grace and mercy.  I adore my church, Central, it's home.  (Hence my church mouse moniker.) - I practically live here.  

It's surreal some days when I walk into that office to my desk, I can't help but remember the first time I walked into this office for a counseling appointment with a Pastor that up to then, I only knew through a few emails....... having to will myself to keep moving forward when everything in me wanted to run, trying to paste on a smile to hide the fear and pain that was just under the surface, avoiding looking at the friendly smiling faces behind those desks.  The shame, guilt and regret so heavy....... how weird that God would turn my world upside down and I would eventually find myself sitting behind one of those desks.... Calling those same faces some of my dearest friends!

God has rebuilt my marriage and though we inflicted a lot of emotional scars in our last 13 years, He is in the process of healing our home. Things aren't always peachy, there's plenty of backlash the more we make our relationship with Christ a priority, but there is a joy and a peace in my life that I've never experienced before. 

The "wee three" aren't so "wee" anymore and are a wonderful bunch to be around.  I love being their mama.

So all in all, I'd say things are "good". 

But lately, there is this word hanging around.....

Unsatisfied.  Now I will say I am blessed beyond all reasoning.  The only concern I have (and I say this jokingly) is trying to decide what to wear tomorrow or what sounds good for lunch..... that is blessed.  I know how blessed I am, and believe me, I am not looking at this lightly.  I'm watching two dear people battle cancer, one smackdab in the middle of yet another gruesome battle and the other at the starting line of a long and hard future..... to say clothes and food are my biggest issue - believe me, I am grateful and thankful for this.

But this word, restless, what is it?  

God has brought me a long way in a short time.  I know I am still in many ways a baby Christian.  But I want to go deeper.  I pray that God not let me forget how far He has brought me.  I'm scared that one day I will wake up numb and complacent, that I'll slip into some crevice of comfort and one day find that passion and fire has turned into automatic motions.  Maybe the restlessness is the answer to that prayer.  

So tonight, I'll sit in quiet awe and ponder this crazy broken road that lead me to here and I will thank God for the second chance.