That's not fair.

 Tonight as I was laying beside my sleepy 2yr old my thoughts turned to Lupe, a young mom and teacher at GCK who is in the late stages of terminal Cancer.  My heart aches for this mom and for the memories she'll never get to make with her tiny children.  At this same time, I'm silently praying that I can sneak out of his bed and back into the warmth and solitude of my toddler-free bed, I scold myself- how fragile and fleeting these days are. Decades later will I look back and say how I wish I had gotten more sleep!  No, I'll miss this tiny age that needs to cling near me in the darkness.  I'll miss being wanted, preferred, needed.

My eyes look across the hall into my "big kids" rooms as they are sleeping- my God, I can't remember the last lullaby I sang or when was the last goodnight kiss??  How did I not miss it?  Here I have this extra chance at littlehood and I'm already selfishly squandering it in for more sleep.  

I've been arguing with God a lot lately- where is the "fair" in Lupe dying so young?  I know this all too real in my sweet cousins' lives after Jessica's battle with Leukemia stole her from the loves of her life, Adam and little Emma... How unfairly they were robbed, Emma looks so much like her.  God you had only to grant healing, a single prayer and she'd still be here!  I think of our former classmate Erika and the loss of her only daughter, Taylor.  You didn't "need" another angel, I hate that saying---you don't "need" anything- so why??

And then it hits me, no it isn't fair.  You never promised fair.  You never promised easy, happily ever afters or to grow old surrounded by a slew of grand babies... No you never promised to 'never give us more than we can handle'... Quite the opposite- you said this life will be tough.  But you promised a life lived for you that this will be the only hell we will ever taste, or a life lived without- the best family memories will be the only heaven we will get to experience.  

I've never really pondered Heaven as if it were real, instead I left it at pearly gates, clouds with streets of gold... The comic strip images of harps, wings and robes...

What if Heaven was real?  Would that somehow be a trade off for this earthly life?  If given the chance to feel both, would we still choose here and now?  Would the reality of you before me, that I can touch, see and hear, would that reality hold purpose and satisfaction and wholeness? 

I don't know.  I guess if we are granted healthy children and a long life, we should be grateful to be so fortunate but we should also value and cherish what is right here, right now while we can.  

So in the meanwhile with the house sleeping, I'll put up this phone, end this post, rest and when Rory wakes up in a few hours, I'll bring him, like I always do, back to my bed- only maybe I'll cherish this night and be glad in it.

God grant me a little more time. Be patient with me, I'm learning as I go.

That fatal mom mistake.

Four kids.  Well actually, a new teenager, twin tweens and a toddler.  "Kids" to me falls more in the prek to 5th grade range.  Either way, I just made a fatal mom mistake, again. You would think after three kids, I'd be able to get things right with number four... With Ally, she was that first born prodigy.  She amazed at the milestones she reached so early... that girl was crawling by 3 months, really!  She walked at a week shy of 7 months.  Potty trained in a whopping day.  And I was clueless.  The twins came when she was 18 months old so chaos and sleep deprivation was my excuse, we were in survival mode.  She gave up her crib to the twins and that was it.  She happily embrace big kid status.  The twins, they followed along the same path, walking by 8 1/2 months.  We did the big kid beds shortly after we moved to this house, around 2 1/2-3yrs?  That was a blur, getting them to this milestone was for sanity.  And yet tonight I absent-mindedily did it again. I already changed Rory's room from the sweet puppy nursery to fun outer space (not my fave but I got a cool deal on it all.). Bedtimes have been a nightmare, he hates sleeping in his room.  I think it stems from this last year when he spent almost all year in our room, I can't blame him, going back to a room by yourself seems lonely.  So I found a really awesome Jeep bed that can be a toddler or a twin, did I mention it was COOL?  So for the last 2 weeks I've been thinking of how neat that bed is, how getting him out of the crib would make putting him to bed easier.... Easier on my back, and maybe, just maybe a new cool bed and fun room would make Rory a bit easier to get to bed, in HIS bed...

So I post his crib on a sell site.  And I get a bite.  So just like that I order the jeep and move the crib out of the room to be picked up on Sunday.  Just like that, I make the fatal mom mistake for the forth and my final time... With this milestone it's over, no more "baby".  Call me a sappy sentimental, but if there's one thing I've said this time around, I was finally able to APPRECIATE it.  And here I am, traded my baby in for a big kid.   Why do we rush things?  We beam when they roll over for the first time and anxiously await that first scoot towards crawling.  Cajoling them with toys and high pitch baby talk...  Then it's not enough, we got to try to get that first step... before you know it, they are running from you and the fast forward roller coaster of babyhood just keeps going...  So here I sit typing away while my tiny man child naps on a gigantic twin mattress.  

That's it, no more cribs.  We already graduated to a booster chair from a highchair.  These days are running away from me.   Gone is the tiny helpless infant... My lil snuggle bug makes an occasional visit and the stays are shorter as this great big, wild world beckons to be explored.  And now I'm all fresh out of "baby".  Replaced with a high energy, no fear toddler!  He's cute, I am excited to see this world new again through his big brown eyes, but can we please slow down?   

Popsugar FEBRUARY Must Have

 When Citrus Lane closed their doors, I decided it was time to get something for me.   After all, we have a pile of unopened items from citrus Lane and Bluum,  so I took the subscription refund and put it towards pop sugar. The February box is my third box in the subscription and so far I have been absolutely pleased with every box!    I will say it is an awesome treat to come home after a long day and see this pink and white pop sugar box on my table, ready to open! 

 The inspiration for February is adoring, hearts, sexy, indulgent and confident.

 The high dollar item in the box this month is a scarf by Tilo, they give this a retail value of $125, this was exclusively designed for pop sugar -it is a silky soft grayish tan with hearts,  personally I would never pay that much for a scarf and this is the first one I own I do like the color and subtle print, it makes me wish I had a Vespa!

 Next is from beauty counter, nourishing cleansing balm, this says unlike cleansers that leave you dry, this formula uses carefully sourced ingredients to remove make up and impurities while also moisturizing skin. I got to say it will make you feel pampered when you open it up and see the glass jar with a lovely soft muslin cloth Included!   Generous 1.5 ounce jar, suggested retail is $50 

 This next item is easily my absolute favorite in the box!   JewelryStorm Endless Arrow Ring ($28)

 This ring has just the right amount of bling to wear alone or stacked with other pieces. It is adjustable and has a lot of shine, my finger is just a little too chunky for this so I am hanging onto this as a Valentines gift for my teenager!

 From French studio, hello beautiful square tray, this is my second favorite item and one that I will definitely keep!  Kiln-Fired glass tray.  

FoodStirs Heart sugar cookie mix.   This is cofounded by Sarah Michelle Gellar, these are free of artificial ingredients, growth hormones and preservatives -so you can feel good about baking sweet treats with all the loves in your life!  Comes with sprinkles and a cookie cutter.

From Victoria's Secret-   Coconut Milk Hydrating lotion, large 12oz bottle!

Plus.... sport socks maybe fabric to keep your feet cool and dry even while working out, this is a special extra as is a $20 gift card!     https://musthave.popsugar.com

 

Where are you God?

Yes I realize that isn't something a church secretary should say.  But the question is still out there. echoing in my head this morning.  Two news stories captured my attention - one the sad tale of Bella "Baby Doe" - in her short 2 years old a mom who Facebooked about how Bella was the light of her life - actually locked this toddler up in a closet and allowed her to be beaten to death before hiding her body and letting her lifeless half-dressed body go unnamed for so very long before the law matched her to this home.

I have a toddler who is almost 2 and last night was a very exhausting night for the both of us.  I am fending off a terrible sinus headache that has followed me since the day before and little man, just cried out constantly last night - only giving in to moments of sleep due to exhaustion.  Yet I could never intentionally scare or harm this little guy.  He is the light of my life.  To look at him and think of Bella, my heart hurts.  Oh but for a twist of fate, that was her hell.  One would think if the state already took two older children from this monster's care, and they already visited this home MULTIPLE times to look into neglect claims that they would be the ones to save this little girl from the fate she faced.  Sadly, no.  The neighbors that were on the news - why didn't they question when this little one "vanished".  Even an anonymous phone call - but sadly no.  They went about their lives unaffected by this tiny toddler's absence.  Did they not hear her cries through the walls?  How could they just ignore it?

Then another story, a post by Glenn Beck about child sexual abuse and our military being told to not intervene.  http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/09/21/world/asia/us-soldiers-told-to-ignore-afghan-allies-abuse-of-boys.html?_r=3&referrer

This just sickens me in a way that has me questioning WHERE ARE YOU GOD?

Monsters rape a girl then tell her she is no longer pure so they murder her.  Monsters kidnap children and call them "tiny mechanics" - and abuse them as their personal sex slaves.  These CHILDREN scream and cry out in fear and in pain - and our Military - on our own bases - being told to "IGNORE" it because that is THEIR CULTURE.  Seriously?  This country is home to some of the most morally depraved monsters and yet I question who is the real villain?  The pedophiles abusing or the men and women that look the other way?

How hopeless and terrifying must life be for these children?  To look at these military figures and plead for help and because of POLICY their hands are tied.  Surely we are breeding our own terrorist - surely these children must grow to hate us for not helping when we clearly could.

----------- I guess living in our glorious country - western culture - it makes it easy to ignore stories like this.  We can "dislike" with a facebook thumbs down and move on to the next story of the Kardashians or Emmy's best/worst dressed list and go about our lives.

Two stories, one here at home and one world's away yet both with the same problem - indifference.

Why would a God who is so full of love let so many innocent children endure a life that is filled with nothing but pain and fear?  I know, "free will" is the morally approved answer to this question - God allows man to have free will - that means our actions can hurt others and God will not lift one finger to intervene.  Free will.  The screams and cries and those pleading and empty eyes will haunt our service men and women as they come home from doing their "job" - and yet this problem continues.  That next door neighbor of baby Bella - do they stay awake at night now wondering if they could've saved her?  Or does she just go on and say "that's too bad"........

Lord intervene.  Please intervene.

Couldn't you plague these monsters with some disease that kills them where they stand?  

Or is it much more practical - Lord creating perfectly fitting paths that cross and those that are aware are able to intervene but choose to not do anything?

...................... I know I will hug my children a bit tighter and pray a bit harder for the world that we leave them.  May they be brave enough and moral enough to stand for right.

So Blessed.

After a rather stressful week this last week, when I went into the office on Friday I found a card on my desk the envelope just simply had my name on it, the card was homemade card with flowers said "God wanted me to meet bless you", there was no signature but inside was money.

 Monday, I was at the grocery store picking out my little guys formula, and lady was stocking the shelves and stopped to talk to Rory, who, of course was all too happy to give her his to see little smile, she says he sure is a happy baby, I reply "yes God has really blessed us, he really is a happy baby!"  As I turned to walk away, she says here, I turn around thinking I dropped something and she is handing me a gift card, $25 gift card!!

Astonished and on the verge of tears, I thank her.  I was able to get the kids fruit, seems little but I haven't been able to afford it, when you only have $25-$50 to spend on groceries you try to stretch it as far as you can, fruit is pricey!

Then Sunday morning one of my friends tells me to find her that she has something that will make me smile. She walks up to me at the start of service pulls me aside and says, I am just a vessel, I was told to give this to you... She hands me a thick stack of $20s.  I am now a truly amazed and speechless, I don't even know what to say, I don't know who is blessing me and I know better than to ask.  Later I go to the restroom and take the wad of $20s out and count them...$300!  

God is my provider.  I shall not want.

The Unknown.

I've been hiding a secret most of this year... Well, not so much "hiding" as guarding.

One day as I'm laying Rory down and again changing out my disposable breast pads, and pumping out my excess, (tmi) - I find this lump.

I think I saw this in March, thinking it was because I was breast feeding (which was not going well) and trying to switch from pumping to formula....  Doing my civil duty, I register on Marketplace, figure my tax credit, even see some "great" plans, but why pay when my coverage is great and free... Really I'm too darn exhausted to mess with anything.

((-despite inquiring a few times since Rory was born, and being assured my SoonerCare would renew with me just reapplying... I was denied because "I'm no longer pregnant".  Now we are past Obama's Marketplace deadline.  No big. We will avoid this year's penalty because I did register, site did crash and I keep having log in errors.  I'm told later "oh this doesn't work on tablets and mobile devices"...."Oh you're using Chrome, it only works with IE"..... And now my acct is showing "locked".))

May:   hmmmm.  That's odd, peculiar, still there, but I'm sure it's nothing.  Need to lay off the caffeine... I try MarketPlace another time, still locked...

June:  I tell Skylar we need to get this looked at.  I had previously found a really great plan but I'm told by Skylar, he wants to look it over.  

Somewhere in here, I had yet another "discovery", another marriage crisis.  Nothing comes of this but it helps to keep me busy and distracted enough that time passes...

August:  still here.  Privately my fears are now constant.  I start my day aware of it, at night, I end my day aware of it.  I cannot help but think what if.  Wondering every day, every minute that passes, could this be spreading.  I look at my sweet smiling baby and pray that I'm wrong.....  

Before working at Central, this was something that I only saw in old people.... Skylar's grandparents, Geneva has a bout with the big C with a spot on her ear... "Ma", cantankerous and lovable, Ma, Skylar's maternal Gma, had breast cancer and it ultimately took her life a few years back.

Now it seems to be everywhere.  Just this year alone, we lost Jessica North to a rare leukemia ... Not even 30 with a toddler!!!  We lost Kelly, Shellie and I know of numerous others who are, or who have, met this beast.  Like twins, it seems like this is so commonplace anymore!  

I can't sign up without Skylar.  His boss will put the bill into a "raise" to his monthly salary.  --So I've cried, begged, laid my case that if this was on him you KNOW it would be handled...stayed up way too late, "researched" way too much and obsessed with it.  I can't do anything more.  I'm terrified to say anything to anyone.  

We aren't doctor-people.  We only give in and go to Urgent Care should we find ourselves actually sick "enough".  So I don't even have a primary care dr!  Outside of my OB that cared for me throughout my pregnancy, I don't know any doctors.  Where does one go??  I'm embarrassed to ask.  And yet, I'm exhausted, overbooked, over committed, and distracted, or I try to be.  But I know I need to face this.

So tonight, I sit down again.  Only now I can't do anything.  Nothing.  "Not eligible". Too much time has passed.  I spoke for 2-hrs to a MP rep who had to repeatly enter my info because of error. She couldn't find any record of me.  Now it's showing it's too late to apply.  I lose it.  God, how I lose it.

I'm angry, bitter that this wasn't taken care of sooner.  I resent the blissful life Skylar lives where he can zonk out to tv and sleep all night.  I'm holding Rory nearly hourly or tending to him all night... What happened to "weekends off".  That never happened.  Now I'm looking at baby toys all over the floor, a kitchen to clean, MIL landing tomorrow and still no time to fight this.

I'm so furious I can't stand to look at him.  I want to scream, run, pick a fight, but like usual, I'll fold.  Exhale defeated, it is now 10:30, get up and do it all myself.... Again.  I am alone in this.

Picture Perfect

This weekend is a long one, allergies already had me feeling worn, then a weekend watching helplessly as Rory screamed in pain until he finally passed out in exhaustion and not being able to fix it, an evening at the ER and leaving without any clear answers, my nerves are shot.  

This isn't like him!!  He's not that kind of baby, he is my happy guy...

Then when I got a text (a text!!) from my mom saying she was going to miss the baby dedication because she was going to hang around and help their friend who had "knee surgery" with some house and yard work, on Mother's Day - well that was my final straw.  It crushed me to know I would look around that packed sanctuary and know there wouldn't be one relative there to support us... Not even my own mother!!  Not even on "Mother's Day."

Exhausted from the stress filled sleepless night before, this was supposed to be my day!!  And here I am, no sweet picturesque image.  My hair is falling out, literally.  Dark circles under my eyes, the years showing in the deep set worry wrinkles on my forehead.

I tried hard to plan this moment, everyone's outfits, the best picture... Moments before, I started falling apart.  Ally had sneakers on with her beautiful dress.  --Really!?  I didn't mean to snap at her, certainly not embarrass her, I was just shocked of everyone, she was the one I didn't think I needed to double check...I made her cry.  Geez what a fantastic mom I am. Then as if on cue, Rory threw up all over me.  No extra outfit, no time for a trip home.  Fan.flipping.tastic.

Could we just go home?  I am so broken hearted that not one of my family members made any effort to be here to support us.  I'm covered in baby vomit reeking of old formula and my loving daughter is in tears because of me, because of shoes!!  My family...So quick to 'like' all my Facebook pictures, such promising words and yet not one -not a single one came out to support us.  And the countdown starts.

I'm grateful for Tonya who somehow made a bouquet appear - "from Rory".  And offered to take me to lunch ... On her day.

For Carrie who asked me how I was and when I broke and the tears came, thank you for not walking away to avoid the awkwardness, instead for lovingly scooping up my sweet baby who we all know could "pop" at any time - and risking it happily, giving me a break.  *

Permission to take a break.  Five minutes to breathe, cry, get my crap together and paste on my composure - all without any judgement.   Thank you.

For all our friends who let me lose it and didn't pounce on me or avoid me, thank you.

That moment on stage looking around, knowing how beautifully far God had taken us.  Though our family was alone, we stand strong, though we aren't related by blood -this church is our family.  And we are surrounded, loved.  

I know I that there are so many "grandmas, aunties, nanas, yayas, uncles" and dear, dear, friends that beamed in pride and are here for us even when our own family isn't.

We aren't alone.  This is why I'm thankful.  My day wasn't as fairy tale picture perfect as I had hoped, but it's a day like today that shows me how blessed we are.